Mom and Dad: Full Circle

Mom has her hands so full with taking care of Dad that she hardly has time for socializing.  They attend the activities at the facility, but Mom simply can’t manage to sit around chatting with the other ladies.  She spends all of her time with Dad glued to her hip – he won’t even go fetch a cup of coffee on his own anymore, except at mealtime.

Mom’s friend, Anne, and their other dinner companion, Helen, have rekindled an old aquantiance into a friendship.  Helen used to sign Anne’s paychecks and Anne says, “I have to be nice to this woman.  She used to sign my paychecks!”  The two of them have become good friends.  It is very good for Anne to have a friend to hang out with.  Anne never wanted to take advantage of the various activities offered to the residents.  She’d say they were dumb or childish and claim any challenging activities were so easy she would always win, which was boring.  Helen likes to participate in the activities offered at the facility.  Since Helen can’t see well, Anne helps her with Bingo and other activities.

Recently, Mom has been feeling a little jealousy toward the friendship between Anne and Helen.  She’d say the two of them were chumming around quite a bit and didn’t seem to have room for her.   She’d observe that they were spending a great deal of time together; I’d point out that at least Anne was not sulking in her room.  Mom said she wouldn’t want to spend time with them when they are sunbathing because she tries to avoid the sun.  Besides, she didn’t think she had the right summer clothes for going out and walking around the facility on the pathway – which led to wanting to go to Dan’s to find more clothes.

Mom called me last night sounding very down in the dumps.  When asked how she was doing, she said, “Oh, I’m just tired.” and hemmed and hawed around about this and that.  No complaints about Dad, no accidents to report, no listing of upcoming events.  She said she was feeling a lot of pressure to get things done and was tired.  I asked, “What kinds of things?”  She said, “Oh, you know.  Straightening things up, organizing, getting things put away.”  I suppressed a chuckle – she’s been trying to straighten, organize, and put things away for years!  It was the reason I started going to their house twice a week soon after Dad was diagnosed – to help her sort, straighten, and/or organize…  Boxes, bags, and envelopes of photographs now sit in our storage closet and Dan’s garage.  Even though she claimed this was what had her so down, I sensed there was something else nagging at her…

Finally she cracked and let slip her real concern.  She said, “I don’t know, maybe Helen is angry with me for something, although I can’t imagine what it could be.”  Oh?  What makes you think that?  “Well, this evening at dinner I said something to Helen and she acted like she didn’t even hear me.  I don’t really feel comfortable having meals with them anymore.”    Really?  …gears turning, recalling another recent event not yet reported here…  Mom continued, “Then, Helen turned to Anne and asked her to do exactly what I’d just asked Helen to do.”  Um, was this something Helen could have done?  Was it like, pass the pepper?  At this point Mom reverted to saying she was just tired and maybe she was jumping to conclusions.

I told her I would come down the next day, during the day, to visit.

After I hung up, I was overwhelmed with my own memories.  Coming home from school complaining that other kids were picking on me and being told that that just meant they liked me.  Complaining about other kids talking about me and being told I was just imagining things.  Telling about how my friend had a new friend and being told to find my own new friend.  Hurt because my old friend and her new friend were making me feel outcast at the same time as making me feel like I didn’t even exist…

Now, my own Mother is experiencing these same social ‘growing pains’.  It is only natural for friendships and bonds to form in an assisted living facility/community – even cliques can be observed.

It hurts me to see my Mother go through this.

Tags: Alzheimer's, Alzheimer's care, caregiver, caring for elderly parents, elder care, humor, life lessons, senior care