spiders

About 15 years ago, I met with a new dog training client who had many dogs to train. For months I worked with as many of them as she needed trained, some in need of training before going to live at new homes. As years went on, we built up a friendship. A couple years ago, she got a new dog – one that frightened her farm help enough that they were worried about leaving the dog at the farm while they went on vacation. The farm hand was too afraid to feed the dog, so she called me to see if I could come out to feed her twice a day. Sure, long as I wasn’t feeding the rest of the farm animals, I could do that.

Over that week, the temps dropped to below freezing 2 nights in a row, barely climbing above 45 during the day. Then, Friday rolled around. Warm, sunny – beautiful day. After work, I headed out to the farm to feed and walk the dog. Before getting into the pen with her, I got her food ready. As I bent to pour the food into her food dish, I noticed a whole bunch of spiders in the dish. A whole bunch. Like, 30 or more, right there in her food dish. I kicked the dish to tip it over, causing the spiders inside to swarm up and out and onto the ground, where it appeared they were all running straight for me.

I like spiders. I’m not creeped out by big, hairy spiders. One thing I know, tho, is spiders do not like each other. Other spiders are food, enemies, not to be tolerated. Here was a group of spiders all living in that dish, now free of that dish and still none attacking each other. Odd, but, not so odd it alarms me. Yet. Even tho these spiders were about the size of my thumb (where the print is)

The dog’s water bucket was hooked to the fence and sat down inside a larger bucket to help prevent spills. I reached to unhook the bucket and noticed the hook itself was covered in spiders. And, so was the fence. I kicked the fence a few times to dislodge the spiders and quickly unhooked the bucket. It was then I noticed that the bucket was full of swimming and drowned spiders. When I lifted the bucket out of the larger bucket, the sound was as if I’d pulled it out of a few inches of sand. The reason became clear when I looked into the larger bucket and saw it too was full of spiders, about 4 inches deep.

Ok, now, this is getting somewhat creepy.

I dumped the drowned and swimming spiders into the larger bucket, along with the water, killing many more, splashing many free – these also seemed to run straight toward me.

As I turned to go back thru the barn to the house to get water, I noticed the entire side of the barn was covered with spiders – hundreds and hundreds of spiders crawling over the side of the barn. Walking back thru that barn door and into the darkness took a moment.

Now, I’ve been to a lot of horror movies in my lifetime. I catch myself thinking, “This would make a great horror movie, you know, with the girl who sees the trouble but still sticks around…” Quickly followed by telling myself to STFU.

I carried the bucket to the side of the house. The house was also covered with spiders. I had to brush dozens of them off the spigot on the side of the house just to fill the bucket. While standing there waiting for the bucket to fill, I quickly realized I could not actually stand still without spiders starting to climb my shoes and pants. Soon I was stomping my feet to shake more and more spiders loose. I was barely staying ahead of them. I counted the spiders on one cinderblock face that made up the side of the basement of the house. Over 100 spiders on just one block. Seemed they were growing in number, rapidly.

“This is where the dumb victim is taken.” the movie plays in my head. Shut. Up.

Finally the bucket was full. I brushed more spiders off the spigot and turned it off. Just as I pick up the bucket, I hear someone cry for help, “H-h-e-e-e-l-l-l-p m-m-m-e-e-e-e-e!” My blood ran cold.

“H-h-e-e-e-l-l-l-p m-m-m-e-e-e-e-e!”

Finding my voice, I managed a reply, “Um, no. Sorry, not coming over there into that little building. Nope.”

“H-h-e-e-e-l-l-l-p m-m-m-e-e-e-e-e!”

“No!” While I’m still there building suspense for the movie, I’m not crazy enough to go investigate. If that person is already wrapped up in silk, there’s nothing I can do for them – better to get the heck out and maybe send in authorities. That’d play nicely in the movie, too… Send in Barney. Next morning, find Barney’s remains, carefully wrapped in silk, drained of all body fluids…

“H-h-e-e-e-l-l-l-p m-m-m-e-e-e-e-e!”

“I said, ‘No!’ Now, Shut Up”

Quickly made my way back thru the barn, suddenly more aware of how high the straw and hay were stacked, glad there’s no more light, not sure I want to see just how many more spiders were lurking.

Again, kick the fence to knock spiders off, check to make sure the dog is not covered in them, quickly reattatch the bucket to the fence, give the dog a quick pat on the head, wish her luck, and beat feet back to the car – it’s time to get the hell outta here!

“H-h-e-e-e-l-l-l-p m-m-m-e-e-e-e-e!”

“Shut. Up.”

And, curiosity gets the better of me. Yes, I’ve seen the movies. The scariest one was playing in my head right then, with me the helpless victim, compelled to investigate the noise I just know is the most recent victim, knowing I am next, knowing going anywhere near that building means no escape. I slowly made my way over to the building, trying to keep a sharp eye, trying to remember to shake off spiders with each step, trying to pinpoint just where that “H-h-e-e-e-l-l-l-p m-m-m-e-e-e-e-e!” is coming from.

Closing the gap. 40 feet. 30 feet. 20 feet. Suddenly, there’s a rustling sound right in front of me. Perhaps I yelped, I don’t remember – I’d stopped telling whoever that was to shut up, stopped trying to talk, felt like my voice was just gone.

The rustling turned out to be one of the farm cats, startled from her nap atop the small building – she’d scampered down a tree limb and jumped off into a pile of dry leaves, not 10 feet in front of me.

Laughing at my own jumpiness, I took a few more cautious steps toward the building. One last “H-h-e-e-e-l-l-l-p m-m-m-e-e-e-e-e!” and then …

The billy goat poked his head out of the building and said, “H-h-e-e-e-l-l-l-p m-m-m-e-e-e-e-e!”

Starting wednesday, I’ll be working with another of her dogs, while they’re on vacation.
Fortunately, this year they’ve got a handle on the spiders with hedge apples. I found out years ago that spiders hate hedge apples. After the spider invasion, which no one can explain beyond guesses, I told her about them. She spent a few weekends collecting them, lined the driveway, surrounded the house and barn, stuffed them into dark corners of every building – I was out there today and didn’t see a single spider.

Tags: deep thoughts, humor, life lessons